If slapping the S*** out of someone that deserves it was legal, how many customers would get slapped during your shift tonight. After bartending for 10 years I’ve had my fair share of moments were I was close.

1. The Young Bar Star – while working at a suburb nightclub, I encounter this enthusiastic little vixen. She loves attention and starts her order at my bar by asking “Can I get a free shot if I show you my tits?” ~ what? I am so tempted to reach over the bar and give her a smack, delivered with the message, “this is from your father.”

2. The Vodka Aficionado – while working in a casual-high-end restaurant/lounge I encountered this winner often. He only drinks Grey Goose Vodka and even when ordering a Caesar demands it. Now I’m all for giving people what they want, no judgement here. But this dude feels like he needs to announce it to the whole bar so everyone knows he’s an idiot. I mention to him, there’s no way you can tell the difference in a Caesar. Why bother? He laughs. “When you can afford it you only want the best. Only Goose, always.” Ok, pay more for no reason, cool with me, bigger bill. But I still have to resist the urge to reach over the bar and smack the pompous grin off his face and slap some sense into him.

3. The Ice Hater – the laws of physics escapes this dunce. While bartending at a busy downtown nightclub a customer freaked out when I filled his glass with ice. “Why you ripping me off man? My drinks all ice.” I showed him the shot glass and pointed out the fact that the amount of rum in his rum and coke was constant. The only thing the ice does is make the drink stronger cause less coke, plus keeps the drink cold. “Ya ya whatever. I don’t want to buy ice I want to get drunk.” ~ What? His ignorant response made me want to ask him, what the five fingers said to the face? “UNITY!”

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